Monster Manor

Bleeaaaahhhh…no, that's not my monster impression, that's my impression of a person who didn't go to bed until almost 1am last night and had to drag himself into work at 6:30am this morning. You'd think after 6 years of doing this I'd be used to it, but no…it just gets really old the longer I do it. I couldn't help it, though. There were some big developments going on in the life of my sims that I won't actually be posting for another four or five days (I've usually got that much material lined up ahead of time). I can always tell I'm really tired when I'm sitting in front of my PC with one eye closed laughing like an idiot every time Amy Andrews walks by another sim, points at them, and says, "hoobit, noobie!" I'm not sure if that's the actual Simlish but sorry - I'm not yet fluent. My other favorite is when vampires walk around saying "bleh!" at everyone they pass. That almost makes me pee myself from laughing.

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Monkeesims, there was a castle right in the middle of town. It was very much like most other castles, with tall, tall towers, stone walls, statues and gargoyles, and tombstones decorating the front yard. The castle appeared in town seemingly over night, and all of the sims marveled at where it had come from and who lived there and whether or not there would be any wild parties thrown there. Of course, from up above, we can see that there's a hot tub on the roof, so the odds are pretty good.


The heating bill for this place must be enormous...
Well, let's sneak a look inside, shall we? Within, it looks like your average everyday castle with lots of furniture and decorations and candle holders on every wall, and a strange guy playing the piano by himself. Like most castles, this one features no electronic gadgets to speak of (besides a burglar alarm, but there was no non-electric alternative so cut me some slack), so residents and visitors had to make due with old fashioned forms of amusement. Sounds frighteningly boring, doesn't it?


"Sing us a song, you're the piano man…"
Our first clue that this isn't just a regular big spooky castle with an enormous monthly payment is a look at the pets. The first is Fleabag Cat. We can't show you Fleabag Cat because he didn't like the castle and ran away before anyone could take his picture. The other is Wolfbat Hound, shown below. Wolfbat loves the castle, and is specially trained to keep an eye on things during the day and terrorize the mail carrier so he won't deliver the enormous monthly bill. Wolfbat usually corners the mail carrier for a while, but he always leaves the bill anyway.


A face not even Paris Hilton could love...
This friendly looking dude pictured below is Lucius Wolfenstein. No, he's not the owner of the castle, and it's not called Castle Wolfenstein - that would be stupid (although don't forget to visit the "Monkeeworks Switchboard" link in my "Links" section here for a great selection of the Wolfenstein 3D mods I've created - SHAMELESS plug!). No, Lucius is actually the caretaker of the joint. Given that he's usually the only one doing anything most of the time besides Wolfbat Hound, and there are almost never any visitors, it's a pretty boring job, and there's very little to clean or care for. It's gosh-awful boring. Luckily, there is the piano and a well stocked bar to keep Lucius amused all day long.


Lucius: "Ech…this place could drive the Pope to drink!"
I suppose that things could be worse, actually. You see, Lucius has a special way with animals, and Wolfbat Hound is definitely special. Fleabag Cat was special too before he just up and left everyone for no good reason. Lucius spends plenty of time teaching Wolfbat tricks like how it's okay to bark at visitors and be hyper and crazy and how to chase away the mail carrier. He tries to teach him how not to destroy the really old, really expensive furniture, but despite those huge ears, Wolfbat doesn't really seem to listen. Or maybe it's just a matter of not caring.


Lucius: "What a good boy for not chewing off my hand!"
The ground floor consists of many different areas - there is a library, chess and painting area, poker room, kitchen, bar area, two bathrooms, and the dinky apartment where Lucius sleeps. Yes, that's all on the ground floor. Lucius doesn't go up to the second story during the day, so he can't even go to use the hot tub on the roof. That's okay, because Wolfbat Hound would just tear up the furniture while he was in there anyway. Lucius doesn't go upstairs at all because there's nothing to clean up there, and because he doesn't want to disturb the deep, dark sleep of the actual masters of the castle. Ah, now we're getting somewhere!


I thought I heard 'coffin' upstairs…hahah...
Yes, Lucius is just the lousy caretaker. You see, the castle is actually owned by Alfred Witte, and lovely (and equally pale) wife, Zondra. Alfred used to live with Tommy Wolf, but after witnessing the repeating cycle of Tommy getting screwed over by Rinoa Hartman then going back to her again, Alfred decided he just couldn't bear to watch Tommy throw his life away, and had to escape it all. Now, instead of living in a cruddy little shack with Tommy (who still lives there), he's the master of his very own spooky castle. Ironic that Alfred started out as a live-in butler for the Andrews family, and now has a butler of sorts of his own.


Alfred: "She's so much more attractive than my last roommate…"
Don't think for a minute that Alfred has anything in particular against werewolves. He doesn't, in fact, he has an affinity for all things spooky, otherwise he probably wouldn't keep those four tombstones out in front of the house or have a dog that looks like butt or a wife who's a vampire. Or a butler who's a werewolf, just like Tommy. Did I forget to mention that part? Sorry, it was a requirement when Alfred put out the application for a caretaker, and I just assumed you knew (I guess you didn't get the application, then).


Lucius: "Yuck! There's a hair in this spaghetti!"
Well, in answer to the question about parties taking place here, since we all know that Alfred is a major party phreak who loves to dance the Smustle and head out every evening for a bite (heheh), it stands to reason that he'd make the most of such a fabulous castle. Despite the bonus of their needs not decreasing from 7pm to 7am, the amount of time a vampire can safely spend awake seems very short to me. That's why Alfred and Zondra have to make the most of the time they spend awake, and party like it's 1999 every evening. Lucius invites the guests every evening just before Alfred and Zondra are up, so they can waste no time "getting down" the moment they arise.


Amy: "Careful, Zondra…he's sneaking up on you…"
Gee, it looks like the same old crowd of party guests here at the haunted castle as everywhere else in the Monkeesim neighborhood. It was at one of these haunted castle parties when Leon Hartman brought Rinoa Hartman (as a totally platonic guest, of course) and she first had a chance to build a relationship with Alfred Witte. No, not the sort of relationship that keeps getting her into trouble with Tommy Wolf. They just made up again finally in the last post - you don't think she'd screw things up again so quickly, do you? That would take at least two posts. The relationship Rinoa built with Alfred would play an important part in her future, although she didn't know it at the time.


Alfred: "I sense our relationship shall play an important part in your future..."
Aiden Andrews and his visibly pregnant wife, Vyn, made the haunted castle scene. I'm not sure that's the sort of place where I'd want to bring my wife if she was pregnant, but I guess it's not like you can catch vampirism or lycanthropy from the toilet seat or anything, so I guess it's okay. Still, you gotta' watch those sneaky bloodsuckers - Aiden's mom AND dad were both bitten on two different occasions by two different vampires. Don't they bother to pass things like that on to their kids? Especially when there's so much at "stake"? Zondra didn't seem to have any immediate interest in causing trouble, as she and Aiden played a quiet game of chess.


Zondra: "No, I said we were having burglars for dinner, not burgers..."
Sooner or later, all good parties move to the hot tub. Of course, all those lightweight "normal" sims headed off to their bungalows because it was getting too late. No worries…that just means there's no competition for the four spots in the tub for Alfred, Zondra, and Lucius. This is an important point in the day for the "family" - this is when they really have time to sit down and have heart to heart discussions between partying all night and sleeping all day in the coffins.


Lucius: "How can I find that 'special someone' when you have me scrubbing toilets all day long?"
Well, this story has a happy ending…if you can really call it a story (let's just call it a series of events instead). One morning, while Lucius was busying himself with cleaning up dog pee and getting sloshed at the bar in between puddles, the phone rang. It was a friendly neighborhood police officer, calling to report they'd found Fleabag Cat. Lucius was pretty excited, ignoring the fact that the cops were probably just looking for an excuse to get close to the house and check out who was buried in the front yard without having to get a search warrant. Fleabag Cat had been found, and would soon be coming home. Hurrah!


Lucius: "It sounds like him…is it a very evil cat?"
Well, we shall conclude our look into the Witte Manor on this happy note. I can't imagine how things could get much better than this (unless you really want to follow Lucius around for the daily chores…bleh). I think we've seen enough. Next time, join us as Marty makes a big investment in his future and Kitty stirs up big trouble. Gotta' love those sims! Have a great weekend, everyone!