Bye, Bye, Bobby!

Well, this weekend was way too short, but I guess if they were all really, really long, we wouldn't appreciate the few days we do get for them when they arrive as much. I don't know. I do wish they were a little longer, but no sense in whining about something that can't be changed (I just sit back and wait for the next weekend extended by holiday time off).

It was my goal to break away from this "all Miller coverage" that's been going on over the past several posts, but I can't help it if the most interesting stuff has been happening to them. I'd been planning on moving back to the Wilsons by today, but had to get this last look at the Millers in there. I think you'll be glad that we did.

Well, things had settled down a lot after the huge bash the family threw in that last post. Most of the guests had left, though there were still a few hanging around that refused to leave, and since the family was too nice to tell them to take a hike, they kind of just stuck around taking up space...sort of like the actual Miller family does most of the time. It didn't seem to matter, though. The Millers themselves were all occupied with their own thing and didn't seem to notice or care. Bobby had been attached to the telescope almost since the party had ended, and refused to break away for anything else, even using the bathroom.

Bobby: "No, I can't see Drew Carrey's house from here."

That in itself wasn't unusual, since the telescope is pretty popular around the house (especially during broad daylight, when people like to burn out their retinas looking at the sun). It's also not unusual for me to have to tell the family members to do simple tasks like using the bathroom, and I decided to instruct Bobby to quit using the telescope and start using the John. Well, no sooner did I cancel the telescope task than...

Matt: "Hey, wait! I want a ride too!"

Before I even knew what was going on, everyone was running out of the house, freaking out about aliens. Bobby, of course, was nowhere to be found. Poor guy...he didn't even get to go to the bathroom before he was taken away. I hope they have "facilities" on board that UFO. Lots of folks noticed the arrival of the UFO, but at first, only Stu and Kevin seemed to notice Bobby was gone. Oh, well...he was always talking about wanting to get out of the house more anyway.

JD: "At last...the telescope is free..."

Eventually, everyone figured out what happened, and they all stood around sobbing for a long, long, long time. I guess when someone is abducted, you can't very well call the police or fire department or alien catchers about it. They could call the telescope company and complain that it resulted in an abduction. Sure, it sounds crazy, but people sue people for everything these days.

You can quit with all the pretending to be sad, guys...he can't hear you anyway!

Well, not everyone appeared to be too concerned. Keri stayed indoors and continued eating, apparently convinced that there was enough grieving going on outside as it was. I guess in the midst of a crisis like this, somebody has to be the strong one (or insensitive one...whatever the case may be). I'm really wondering why she's still wearing that kooky costume from the party earlier, but that's her business I guess.

Keri: "Too bad about what happened to Bobby, but what happened to the kitchen lights?"

Well, eventually the mourning stopped, and the family resumed doing pretty much nothing, resigned to the fact that there wasn't too much they actually could do. Peter didn't give up entirely, though...he was next on the telescope, searching the skies for any sign of Bobby. A noble gesture, but kind of stupid given that using the telescope resulted in an abduction only moments ago. Maybe Pete's hoping to be next so he can give those aliens a piece of his mind in person.

Peter is searching for Bobby Fisch...er...Bobby Miller.

Eventually, the search was called off, and even Peter threw in the towel. On the plus side, that left one more available female in the house for him to hit on. On the down side, someone else would have to feed Bobby's cat, Skunkbear. However, a couple days later, before anyone could actually take advantage of either situation (or feed his cat), Bobby was plopped back down on the front lawn, right where he'd been when he was abducted. The most amazing part of it all was that he didn't go running straight for the bathroom, even though he apparently hadn't emptied his bladder in three days.

Bobby: "They could at least have dropped me off in Aruba or some place nicer than here..."

The truly most amazing part of the whole incident was that when Bobby returned, he actually had more of a personality than all the rest of his house mates. We have no idea how it got there, or what method the aliens used to "implant" it (probably extraterrestrial self-help courses), but whatever the case, Bobby wasn't talking. He did seem happy to see Deana, but you would be too if you'd been surrounded by bug-eyed, bulbous headed alien midgets for three days straight.

Bobby: "I'm pretty sure I can't have children now, but I've never been happier to see you!"

And so ends your classic "man meets woman - man gets abducted and probed by aliens - man returns as a witty, charming stud" story. I suppose it couldn't have happened to a better person, since Bobby has always had issues. Constantly telling everyone he was abducted by aliens isn't going to change anyone's opinion of him.

Well, I hope you've had about enough of the Millers for a while. We're going to stop at the Wilson house again next time, because there's no telling what they've been up to since we were there last. The place has probably burned down or been overrun by garbage and roaches. Just be thankful the other houses aren't actually "running" while we're away from them. That's it for the time being, though. Peace!